I woke up this fine Saturday morning with the realization that my weird dreams for the last several weeks have all had something in common. I’ve been unable to remember much about the details but my subconscious struck a chord this morning and I realized not what the dreams were about, but what has been in common among them.
Night after night I have dreamt about fighting for justice, or honesty, or integrity. They have been vivid dreams — as realistic as any I’ve had in my entire life. I awaken completely involved in the dream — it flies from memory immediately, and aside from the vividness that’s all I’ve been able to tell/recall about any of them until this morning when my brain said to me, “hey dummy, don’t you realize what’s going on in your own head?”
I know I’m an old fogey but I still CRAVE things. I think that qualities like honesty matter. I think character matters. As far as I’m concerned there are values that don’t change.
I look around me and wonder, why is it that the much simpler men who founded this country a couple hundred years ago seemed able to wrestle with monumental issues like life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness and our “more educated” politicians today seem unwilling to do more than feather their own nests and support their party.
At this point in time I’m an equal opportunity skeptic. It’s not a Republican problem and it’s not a Democratic problem. The least greedy politician in the U.S. right looks like Bernie Sanders — and he has been a constant voice for the people (as expensive as his ideas might be). Where the other voices of clear reason, or intense humanity, or extreme practicality are I have no idea. The only thing that seems to matter right now is PARTY.
I know this is a world that has negated absolute values; I haven’t. I know that puts me at odds with a large percentage of the population. I really don’t care. It would be nice though if I could come to some meeting of the minds with my own subconscious! I know that this is not my kingdom. I am waiting for Kingdom who’s builder and maker is God. I know that man’s ways are flawed; but that doesn’t mean I don’t long for justice even when there is none, or humanity when humans are treat one another inhumanely, or rights when the rights of others are being denied.
It bothers me that I physically can’t get out there and be active in the way I could a few years ago. I wonder how much of that physical inability is giving rise to my dreams — If I can’t get out there in the same way, maybe I can dream it all better? Nah… I was never the guy who aimed at appealing to masses — my goal was always “more time with fewer people.” I’m not a voice for mass movements but in the past I could influence some people and they in turn could influence others and so on.
It’s not exactly a feeling of helplessness; I’ve viewed the situation as being hopeless for half a century. We humans have created a mess that we aren’t going to dig ourselves out of. I have been comfortable with that reality all of my adult life and nothing has happened recently to show me some new light at the end of our collective tunnel. I happen to believe that Jesus really meant it when he said, he was going to prepare a place for us that where he is we might be also. I guess that makes me a dreamer — just not in the ICE sense of the word!
I used to hope that ideas made this world go round. Right now all I hear is money talking. Ideas seem to have fled the scene; have taken cover under rocks someplace safe. It’s all about influence and money and power.
I’m glad (for myself) that I’ve finally owned up to what has been bothering me. I’m not sure the dreams will stop. And I won’t say I’m sorry for sharing about it — this is after all more in the manner of my diary than a public forum. Still I like to be more positive than negative and I wonder if these dreams have been my way of trying to make heads or tails out of a metaphorical train wreck that we can see happening in front of us and no one is doing anything to minimize the damage. Everyone is shouting about the crashing and the catastrophe but no one has yet run out into the midst to save the day. I’m too old to be looking for imaginary heroes. And I’m too idealistic not to.
P.S.: I read something the other day explaining the nature of PTSD and it dawned on me that in some ways the way this country is behaving in ways akin to the way people with PTSD behave. Is it possible that we are all suffering from post traumatic shock? Or current traumatic shock? or Future traumatic shock? Or whatever?????